#5: Pedophalia

Yup, I went there.

#4: Not Owning a Passport

Even this guy has a passport...

The United States of America offers some pretty incredible things to do.  If you had to, you could live a pretty good life travelling around the country and experiencing all that our country had to offer.


But you don't have to.  There's this invention called the airplane. And these days, it's pretty inexpensive to travel and unless you're really itching for a beachside mojito in Playa Santa Lucia, you can go pretty much everywhere.  That is, unless you don't have a passport.  In which case, judging on the type of person you must be not to have a passport, it's probably a good thing that you're not influencing foreigners about their understanding of American culture.

#3: Voting for Barack Obama

Overheard Mumbling: "I really should have worn jorts instead."

#2: Goldfish

Pets make perfect sense. Pets symbolize man's dominion over beast.  Also, pets will wait all day for you, greet you at the door when you come home, and then you can play with them. 


Goldfish provide none of these benefits.  They just swim around in a old glass jar with some strange aquarium plants and rock gardens.  I'm pretty sure they'd be blissfully unaware of your existence, with the sole exception of you remembering to sprinkle in their tank, what looks like to you, Fruity Pebbles.

#1: Jorts

There's no excuse for wearing, or for that matter even owning, a pair of jorts.

Really, just think about the rationale one goes through before putting on a pair of these short, blue, bun-huggers: "I want to wear these Levis jeans to my brother and his cousin's wedding because denim is super fancy.  However, it's hot outside and I'm concerned about the heat generated in my crotch-al region if I wear long pants.  Oh, I got it.  Why don't I combine the fanciness of a pair of jeans with the comfort of shorts? Voila, jorts."

Despite being laughed at by pretty much everyone, these shorts continue to be sold and worn by certain undesirables in American society.  Such as this man:

"Hey, are you guys on Myspace?"